This is a time of year when various illnesses and diseases tend to reappear seemingly as if they were on command. The recurrence of such diseases has baffled experts for generations but they continue to study some of these afflictions particularly where the symptoms remain identical year after year. One such disease was first seen about 25 years ago in Seattle, WA and then began appearing in major population centers up and down the west coast. In recent years, it has spread inland and then across the whole country. This disease has been studied by medical experts and has been identified as Nordstromsalis Meavisitiae. It is exhibited as a compulsion based syndrome centered on a nervous disorder.
This disease is almost entirely limited to occurrence in females and can be observed possibly as early as during the onset of puberty. Once it has established itself in the bloodstream, it could well last a lifetime. My own daughter has been afflicted with this disease for several years now. Currently, there is no known cure on the horizon although studies are in progress. The initial symptoms are a sudden inability to sleep more than just a few hours per night. This is quickly followed by a compulsion to visit any of the shrines where the patient comes to believe that the source of her compulsion lies. (Note that, in this thesis, I describe the person suffering from this disease as the patient even though she may, at that point, be a long way from realizing that there is, in fact, anything wrong with her at all.)
It appears to be in these shrines that the major mental torment is created. Once this happens, there follows an urge to touch and feel everything in the shrine. This is, in turn, followed by the syndrome to "see what's available for grabs" or SWAG. This phase could take many hours since it involves various disciplines such as trying on followed by parading in front of several mirrors or maybe moving an object so that it stands alone and then viewing it from every conceivable angle. This eventually leads to the patient amassing a large collection of swag, which is then taken to the exit and assembled by the custodians of the shrine into silver-gray bags each emboldened with the name of the shrine in large letters. A collection of a dozen or so of these bags may then be taken proudly to be placed in the trunk of the car of the patient. Upon leaving the shrine, patients are believed to be overcome by a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and achievement. Alas, this feeling is later seen to be relatively short lived.
It should be pointed out that the patient has by now probably not been home since she left at dawn. She will typically arrive home in time to prepare a late meal for her family. Such patients are usually recognizable by the fact that, on arrival home for some reason, they may back their car in toward the garage door. This, in itself, is a relatively complicated maneuver for many women but, nevertheless, where there is a will there is a way. When they carry in the first load of swag, they will leave the trunk or rear door open for subsequent unloading trips every few minutes. This process may take quite a while.
While unloading and showing off her booty to the family, the patient may well be overcome by another compulsion to explain what each item would have cost when compared with the unlikely event that she had bought it before the current event at the shrine had started.
Once the demonstration phase is completed, a break may be allowed for eating but, before the table is cleared, the "try on" phase will be entered. This affects not only the patient but the husband and children too, also grandma and grandpa, nobody escapes this ritual. This phase also leads to the generation of the first batch of swag to be taken back to the shrine for refund or exchange. These items are then reloaded into the silver-gray bags and taken out to the car, where the trunk is still open.
The initial visit to the shrine is usually followed by more loss of sleep and much tossing and turning. During these gyrations, another form of compulsion occurs. This is a color comparison phase, in which the patient feels compelled to revisit the shrine to get a similar item of swag but in another color. This may be repeated for several items. Usually at this stage also, patients start comparing notes with other patients and plans are then made for one or more group visits to the shrine. This leads also to group therapy sessions, sometimes held at the local Starbucks spa and wellness center. These therapy sessions, however, may tend to spread the disease rather than provide any form of a cure.
One thing is known about the recurrent epidemics of this disease. That is that the overall time the epidemic lasts is limited to about two weeks or so. This is determined by the fact that the shrine will determine a few specific days during which the main therapy sessions must be conducted. After this period, patients are on their own to arrange their therapy.
As part of the analysis to back up the study of a cure, experts have tried to see what actual damage is caused to the patient on visits to the shrine. The major significant damage seems to be the considerable loss of dollaritic greenstuff from the primary purse. It has been proved that, under normal conditions, this loss may take many years to make up.
However, there is some therapeutic advantage to be gained during the initial transaction by using a medium of Double Ended, Bartering Intensive Technology or DEBIT card. If, following the use of such a card, an item of swag is rejected by the recipient family, the item may be bartered back to the shrine for a limited number of days. This then makes the loss of the greenstuff temporary and will considerably shorten the make up period.
The epidemic as it stands has not reached the level of possible pandemic proportions as predicted by some. Also, no known cases of this disease have been reported outside of the United States. But, the epidemic continues to spread regardless.
Clearly, some of the more severe critics see this whole scenario as a rucking tipoff (as defined in the phraseology of Anglo Saxon rhyming slang.) Others are more lenient and view it as a modern form of blood letting as was exercised by Egyptian doctors around 1000BC. Whether either of these views is accurate or not is unclear but, what is clear is that this mysterious affliction will be with us for a long time regardless of whatever modern medicine may achieve in seeking a cure.
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