Pandemia Revisited

   Some of you may remember that, just over a year ago, this correspondent wrote a thesis about a recurrent disease which had been identified as Nordstromsalis Meavisitiae, a compulsion based syndrome centered on some form of nervous disorder. What you may not have recognized is that this disease has recently been with us once again, appearing with the same symptoms as in previous years. It is not yet known whether these symptoms have been triggered by the onset of a summer solstice or by some other reason such as the after effects of the Ides of March. What is clear, however, is that the symptoms are fundamentally identical to other years, even though there are some slight deviations in some of them.

  As I mentioned last year, my own daughter has been afflicted by this disease for many years. This year, her 14 year old daughter Megan has apparently become similarly afflicted. It will be interesting to study the effects of this disease on one so young.

   The basic symptom of this disease has always been to collect large amounts of "swag" from all parts of the relevant shrine. This is then taken home and shown to family and friends in the appropriate way by wearing, display on a table, etc. Then, depending on the interest shown by the audience, the swag is sorted into what is to be kept and what is to be returned or exchanged. At this time, the patient also may decide to return to the shrine to seek other objects which are basically similar but may differ in color or in size.
   Interestingly enough, it is in this phase that some changes have been seen in the last year or so. One difference is that there is now a tendency to collect some specific pieces of swag which the patient has absolutely no intention of keeping, even though they may not admit that initially. These pieces are definitely going to be returned.
   So, one may well ask, why were they brought home in the first place? The answer to this question is certainly not obvious to the innocent bystander. Nonetheless, there must be a reason for this and investigation of this phenomenum is ongoing.
  
   There are several theories for this latest behavior pattern. One is an obvious theory, but probably too obvious. That is that the patient could not afford the object in question and therefore wanted to show people that she could have had it if she really wanted it.
    Another theory is that she really did not want the item in question but.."Mary W has one.." so she felt she should show some interest in it since.."Mary W has everything that is fashionable (and expensive!!)".
   Yet another theory is much more devious, (in fact it is so devious that the idea behind the theory has been attributed to Nancy Pelosi). This is based on the fact that .."Sally P bought one of these and I knew she didn't want it, she just wanted to show off. So, I bought one too and I am going to keep it as long as possible before I return it so I may force Sally to  keep hers, that will teach her!!".
   Now, you may well say that this last theory is ridiculous as nobody is that devious. If this is true, how then do  you explain the mindset of the  majority of the approximately 545 most prominent people in Washington DC, and we all know too well who they are!

   Since my report of last year, there has been some research into the behavior of the patients on their return from visits to the shrine. As I stated, they usually  drive up to their house and then back the car up to the garage. What is the reason for this maneuver?  Everybody knows that women don't like reversing cars, so why do it?  Because it captures the attention of neighbors so they will keep watching. The next part of the act is to leave the trunk open when they take the loads of swag into the house. To reverse the car up to the house and then leave the trunk open might indicate a desire to hide something. Exactly the opposite, it ensures that all the surrounding hidden eyes will stay watching to observe and count the number of loads carried in. Another observation of this part of the process is that, almost invariably, the women do not take the shortest route from the car into the house, i.e. via the garage. No, they take the scenic route via the front door, thus increasing the visibility time by at least 500%. All of these symptoms demonstrate the mental effect this disease is having on the patients.
  
   After each of the shrines returns to its normal practices for therapy, the activity at the shrine drops drastically and the lives of the patients returns to near normal. But,  it has been suggested by some observers that, at this time, many patients may be overcome by some form of inner guilt or remorse. This  is demonstrated by the fact that many of them may not be seen anywhere near the shrines until the next germinating period a year hence.

   This last year, the medical fraternity has announced that is observing the effects of another somewhat similar affliction. This has been identified as Costcosis Extremus. This is similar in that the primary symptom is the desire to visit certain places on a regular basis but with no obvious goal in mind. The places in question are not the carpeted shrines identified with the previous affliction. They are instead like huge silos where one can restock ones house, garage or pantry. No carpet. Instead, concrete floors and shelves seemingly reaching to the stratosphere. One pushes huge metal carts around and fills them with swag. As you leave the silo, your swag is not placed in silver bags with the name of the shrine emblazened on them. You are offered large cardboard boxes with the previous shippers name on them and, in these, they will readily pack your swag.  

   The silos are frequently bursting with people of all creeds and color who come, whole families at a time, to clog the aisles by standing around chatting and staring into space. Probably one of each family has the job of assembling the swag, the remainder are human flotsam. On a typical day, it may take an hour and a half to proceed from the entrance to the exit, traversing all the aisles. Most of the time is spent avoiding the aforesaid flotsam.
  
  The shelves in the silo are packed by people who drive fork lifts. Thus, there is, of necessity,  no rhyme or reason or, in fact, any logic behind how things are categorized. As an example, if you are looking for a new queen size mattress and you want it soft, try looking next to something else which is soft, like ice cream.
   It is also a necessity in these silos to buy things in bulk. Unknowingly, this leads to one becoming extremely agile mentally in planning family life  in order to effectively utilize 347 pairs of extra long black bootlaces. In another example, one will quickly realize how much more effective it is to buy two ultrasonic coffee laser perculators rather than leave a large box half empty if you only wanted one.

   Bearing the foregoing in mind, it is relatively easy, with practice, to fill the large cart they so thoughtfully provide for your use. Once you have filled the cart, it is now time to check out. This involves making the choice of which check out line to use.
   The choice of check out line involves several disciplines. One has to count the number of carts in each line. It is no good counting the number of people unless you want to apply the flotsam factor. Then you must look at the number and size of the contents of each cart. Lastly, you need to assess the mental capacity of the checker and try to hear if he or she is speaking English. All in all, you now should have an estimate of how long it will take to reach the far end of the line chosen.
 
  
   The silos each have a single entry door and a single exit door, each guarded to assure one way traffic. At the exit point, there are two ladies who measure the length of your receipt. If the receipt reaches the obligatory length of two and a half hands, one of them will draw a line through the receipt from south to north with a red felt tip pen. This then indicates that you are free to take it home and display it on the garage wall, probably next to the red or blue ribbons with gold letters which show how you fared at the local dog or horse show.
   When you get home, you will be forced by the threat of sheer logistic mayhem into unpacking the cardboard boxes and making fresh piles in the garage. The entire family and possibly the dog are then recruited into stuffing the contents of the boxes into every conceivable nook and cranny in all available cupboards, shelves, etc as well as under the beds. Some of these items may indeed not be seen for years, if then.
   Once the boxes are unpacked, before you can get the car in the garage, you have to break down and fold the cardboard boxes ready for the garbage pick up. This, of course, is after you have studied the intricate design of each box to  see how the incredibly inventive designer had intended it to be folded.
 
   An interesting part of this affliction now shows itself. On garbage collection day, if one drives around any particular neighborhood, a quick look at the recycling bins of each house will tell you immediately who is smitten with this affliction. Those with all the large folded boxes are the carriers of this disease.
   At this point, another interesting part of the affliction is also revealed. People have a habit of reading the labels on large boxes and also looking at the illustrations thereon. This brings on the feeling of a personal desire to have what John next door has. Without a word being uttered, this now produces instant contagion. From this moment on, the amount of flotsam in each silo can only increase. This may explain the extremely rapid spread of this disease.
  
   As I said in the text, this is a relatively new disease and it will obviously change as it develops over the years. We shall all have to do our best to " go with the flow" and try not to exacerbate the symptoms as they now exist.